Confessions of the Only Girl # 3...Running Toward Happiness

(I'm attaching a pic of me at the top of this post. The belt in this pic....I could not even get around my waist a year and a half ago...as you can see..there is more than enough room now!The physical transformation, however, is just part of the story. It's the changes inside that actually count!)


Usually my girl confessions are one or two liners to make people laugh but today I have something a little more personal to share.

For those who know me, you know I have dropped massive amounts of weight in the past year and a half. But even those people, don't know the all reasons behind it. It is never easy admitting that there is something wrong...especially when the something wrong is within you. The whole point of this blog is not only to build autism awareness but give a sneak peek into the the life of a family effected by autism.

But what if autism is not the only thing effecting the family?

After I had my autistic child, I went through what many would call post-par tum depression. I was too ashamed to actually admit there was something wrong and get it officially diagnosed. I have always been an upbeat and optimistic person but when I came home with my new baby boy, who screamed all the time and had vomit regularly shooting out of his nose from acid reflux, I learned that I was having a hard time being happy.

There obviously were life stresses, which I will spare you all from knowing but as anyone who is down will tell you there isn't necessarily one thing that pushes a person off the wall but a series of many things.

As I became chained to the house with an invisible chain,
As I drowned in everyday tasks that were required from my children,
As I sacrificed my dreams to become the perfect wife as defined by my husband,
I soon realized that the girl that was so vibrant was now dying and physically was being buried alive by her own weight.

I was fortunate to have some angels around me who inspired me to help myself.
I had one friend, who was just there to listen and help in anyway she could.
I had another friend, who inspired by encouragement.
By encouraging me to take little steps toward physical fitness and not to give up. To make physical fitness a lifestyle change, not a crazy diet.
I had another friend, who reached out. To this day he has no idea what he did, but his one email that he had the courage to send me, reminded me of who I had been and revealed what I had become. He not only encouraged me to loose weight but his email encouraged my social skills...which I somehow had lost in this downward spiral.
I was doubly fortunate to have two parents who were into physical fitness, who were incredibly good resources and wonderfully supportive of my efforts. They were both constantly encouraging me.

As my confidence grew, I began reaching out to old friends that I hadn't heard from in years and fortunately I found most of them alive and happy. I also began reaching out to new friends. All of this started on the Internet, but I began to actually meet some of them in person. Which I will admit because of my isolation, was uncomfortable at first but soon became more comfortable as I realized that they were the same people I loved and enjoyed as friends when I was younger.

I began exercising everyday and gave myself one day off as treat from it. I began enjoying it and looking forward to it and soon...the exercise was the treat! I started walking first... then I graduated to running... and then I mixed it up with dance, which was something I loved when I was younger.

The small blisters from stress induced eczema on my hands...began to fade away.
The dark cloud hanging over my life...began to dissipate.
And the weight that was burying me alive...was evaporating off of me.

The more I exercised, the better I felt. The more weight I lost, the more of the girl I remember myself being emerged. It wasn't the weight loss that made me happy...but the change in lifestyle. I watched food proportions...I increased good food and started to eliminate junk foods. I felt better so my confidence continued to grow.

I take a picture of myself every couple of days or so, not because I think I am so wonderful...in fact, I do it because I don't think that. I do it so I can continually see the change and to remind myself

To keep going,
To not turn back...
To keep running toward happiness.

I have yet to get rid of all the negativity in my life that brought me to the brink of self destruction, but I have gotten rid of a lot of it and I am working on getting rid of the rest.

I "confessed" this today in hopes that it will inspire someone who feels like they have lost themselves. That they cannot get out of where they are...physically and mentally.

You can!
You can do it!
All it takes is a few steps out into the sun.
If I can do it...you can!

As of today...I have lost 64lb. I was a pant size 20/22...I am now a size 6.
I can now run after my children.
I can now swing on the playground with them.
I can shop at Forever 21..not Lane Bryant(though Lane Bryant does have great clothes)
I can go down a tube slide without fear of getting stuck!
I can remember how to play and I can now play!

All it takes is remembering what you wanted in your youth. If you can no longer have it, remember the other things you wanted out of life and do it before you die. Everyone, has something they wanted to do before they die. Go out and do it!

Live for it!
Exercise for it!
Eat for it!
And save yourself!

You can do it. Take baby steps toward it and don't give up! Even if you bust your food proportions that day... then walk a little farther or dance a little longer to burn it. It's the exercising that will bring you out of it! The weight loss, is just a nice side effect.
Your confidence will soar and you will be the beautiful butterfly that you already are inside.